Lemmings
by a dog a cat and a dragon
Summary: Weiss and Schwarz go to Independence Mall. Woo! and lemmings. rated PG13 for stuff.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Weiss, I don't own Schwarz, I don't own Schu, I don't own Farfie, I don't own Crawford, I don't own Nagi, I don't own Aya, I don't own Yohji, I don't own Omi, I don't own Ken, I don't own money, I don't own a life…. This could go on forever:: bashes head with random lemming:: Yeah. That was fun. I am NOT insane. No. Really. Shut up! I'm not! Raar…you will pay…. Just read the fic… I'm telling you, this is some intensely crappy…crap. Whoooo..I'm okay. No wait a minute……alright! I AM INSANE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NOW READ THE FIC OR SUFFER MY WRATH!  
  
Summary: This is a stupid, insane, pointless fic. That's all that can be said, right there. Schwarz and Weiss go to Independence Mall and wreak havoc. I don't know why they came to Massachusetts, or to Kingston, for that matter, but it's the only place I know enough about to write about. (Intelligent-sounding, ain't I?)  
  
And so the horrors begin……  
  
Driving the car into a handicapped space in the parking lot, Crawford cursed Takatori under his breath. How DARE he send them to follow Weiss to America! He didn't want to be here, and was close to killing the rest of his teammates. Schuldich was whining that he was too cold, Nagi was blasting his music as loud as possible, and Farfarello was just….being Farfarello. Slamming the door, he got out of the car and stood waiting for the rest, tapping his foot impatiently. Glancing over, he noticed the handicapped sign that for some strange reason he had failed to notice before. "Damn." he muttered. "Farfarello, act handicapped." Farfarello immediately fell over and lay twitching on the asphalt. "Not THAT handicapped." Crawford said, annoyed. The rest of Schwarz began walking towards the mall. Farfarello calmly broke his leg and limped after them.  
  
Across the lot, Yohji parked the van and got out, stretching. "I still don't understand why we had to come HERE." He mumbled. "And why didn't we take a plane? And why didn't YOU drive, Aya? Why didn't we stop for lunch? Why can't we…",he trailed off when he realized no one was listening, and Aya was giving him his most intimidating shut-up-or-I-will-throw-my-katana-at-you-just-like-I-did-to-that-helicopter death glare. "We came here because there was no where else to go. It was either this or the rock. Trust me, I'd rather not be here either. Driving's cheaper. You drove because I didn't want to and I'm a cold hearted bastard. That's the same reason we didn't stop for lunch." Aya said, glaring insidiously1 . "Right. Point taken." Yohji murmured, knowing it was best to leave the steel-eyed assassin as he was. They walked rather threateningly toward the mall.  
  
"You wanna try chicken?" asked the Jumbalaya Grill employee as they walked past. "Sure." said Nagi as he calmly floated a piece of chicken to his mouth. The employee staggered a few paces, then fainted. Suddenly, Schu ran ahead as if he was being chased by a rabid meatloaf. The others walked up to where he was standing, eyes shining2 in front of the Taco Bell. "What?" asked Crawford as he tried to translate the babble that came from the German's mouth. "They……have……TACOS!" he yelled, causing the whole mall to turn and stare at him. "I love the little tacos. I love them good…."3 he murmured, standing in line with a twenty dollar bill (for some reason he oh-so conveniently had American money on him) clutched tightly in his fist. "My! You sure look WACKY!" They heard from behind them, soon followed by a bloodcurdling scream from the speaker and everyone else in the close vicinity. "WACKY!!? What the hell kind of a word is THAT!? WACKY!? I HATE that word!! Fewer words are as excruciatingly stupid!!! And used in description of me!!!" The killer walked away, mumbling.4 Everyone stood for a moment, taking in the scene of carnage, then resumed their mindless conversations about banana hammocks5 and the like. Schu stood silently, eye twitching in anticipation of his tacos. "C'mon." Crawford mumbled, pulling him forcefully away from the line. "But I need tacos! I need them or I will explode. That happens to me sometimes."6 He protested as he was dragged away.  
  
"Hey guys." Omi said, tugging at Aya's coat sleeve. "Can we go into the computer store?" "Stop acting like an annoying three-year old and come on." Yohji said, annoyed. "Hey." said Ken. "Hey." said Omi back. "Shut up." Ken said, then elbowed him in the chin before continuing. "Isn't that Schwarz?" Aya's eyes narrowed. "Schwarz."  
  
Across the mall, Crawford's eyes narrowed also. "Weiss."  
  
  
  
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1 This word courtesy of my sister because I couldn't think of the right word….it hurts to think…  
2 Ever notice how, in anime, if the character is upset or really happy, their eyes wiggle? That cracks me up…  
3 Invader Zim© and G.I.R. are the property of Jhonen Vasquez  
4 Johnny the Homicidal Maniac© is the property of Jhonen Vasquez  
5 Scrubs  
  
Oi! I told you it was a piece of mindless crap! I wrote it, what else would it be? And I know it was kinda short…Anyway, if you want to flame me, flame me. I like flames! And fire…tell me if I should write more or just forget about this fic… 


	2. Coconuts and Hotel Rugs

Disclaimer: See chapter one. It's exactly the same, I'm just too lazy to cut and paste.  
  
And so the horrors begin……again.  
  
  
Immediately, Aya drew his katana that had just appeared.1 "SHI-NE!" he yelled, hurling himself at Crawford. Suddenly, he stopped in mid-leap. "You should have guessed that was going to happen", said Nagi calmly. He directed him into the wall. By this time, they had drawn a large crowd. "Alright, alright. Break it up." said the Mall Cop, not even noticing the guy being repeatedly smashed in to the wall, screaming in pain. Crawford, annoyed (as he always was) calmly shot him in the back with his amazing silent gun.2 "Hey, c'mon guys, why can't we be friends and just have a good time?" Yohji said. Everyone glared.. Schu's you-are-really-pissing-me-off-and-I-want-my-tacos-NOW glare, Nagi's I'm-going-to-start-smashing-you-into-the-column-too glare, Farfarello's one-eyed die-evil-god-loving-bastard glare, Ken's shut-up-before-they-kill-us-all-or-I'll-elbow-you-in-the-chin glare, Omi's…..well, Omi's wasn't visible because his face was glued to the computer store window, and Aya's couldn't be seen because his face was buried in the broken plaster that was crumbling more and more with each smash. "Okay, okay. Sorry. Bad idea." Yohji shrank under the glares of his enemies-and his teammates, even though that was only one person. (Wow. That's the most horribly worded phrase I've written in my whole life. And you, you lucky reader you, have been fortunate enough to witness it. Woo!)  
  
Crawford, however, wasn't glaring for once. "That's a great idea! Then we can just get out of here as soon as possible." (he sounds so incredibly stupid and out of character here) Since no one else could think of a better idea, they all resumed their normal looks, and Nagi stopped smashing Aya into the wall. They all turned around at once and prepared to walk out of the mall exits. "Sorry boys, but that exit is being repaired because of the recent rabid meatloaf accident." said Mall Cop #2. Schu stood, eye twitching (again) at this news. "That means we can go get…….TACOS!" he yelled, and ran back the other way to the food court. "C'mon. We'd better catch him before he raids the Taco Bell." Crawford said, disgusted.   
  
At the other exit, Weiss was sitting there, wondering what to do about the car stuck in the doorway that prevented their exit. "So how did it get there, again?" Aya asked the Mall Door Car Remover Guy. "Well, we got called over here about five minutes ago.." the guy began. "And when we got here, there was a car. Stuck. In the doorway." he said, nodding. Suddenly, Ken did one of those leaps that only florist-assassins can do, kicked the guy in the face, and then ripped his throat out. "Woo! That was fun." He said, looking at the guy bleeding all over the floor. "Well, I guess we should walk around. I mean, as long as we're here, why not?" Yohji said simply. "Whatever." Aya mumbled, then they all trudged away from the exit.   
  
People were beginning to stare at the strange group walking through the mall. A black haired man in a cream colored suit looking annoyed and murmuring something about flies, a kid with brown hair and a weird blue suit-like thing, a pale one-eyed guy swathed in bandages, and, being dragged along behind them looking disgruntled, an orange-haired man with a green coat and a yellow headband. "Hey! You guys are freaks!" Yelled a little kid, no more than four years old. "Shut up, kid, or I'll let him.." Crawford jerked his head in Farfarello's direction "deal with you." Farfarello grinned menacingly, slowly taking out one of those weird little expandable knife thingies that he always carries. He tested the blade, smiling at the look of terror on the kid's face when the blood oozed out of his tongue.3 "MOMMY! HELP!" the kid ran to his mother and hid his face in her dress. Ignoring them, Schwarz they walked on. "I LOVE THIS STORE!" yelled Schu, who had managed to get out of Crawford's (he was the one who had been dragging him) grip and run into the nearest store, Hot Topic.4 "What are you doing? Why can't we just find another exit and leave?" Nagi asked, but was then distracted by the rack of t-shirts. "As long as we're here, let's walk around a little bit." said Schu, looking at the comics. Crawford stood in a corner, watching his teammates, looking (This is a big surprise…) annoyed.  
  
Meanwhile, Aya was checking to see which computer could stand up to the most damage (in case their Base Thingy got all shot up by the Random Bad Guys again) in Best Buy, and Yohji was looking for the latest Rage Against the Machine CD. "Hey! The Tool CD is on sale!" Omi said happily.6 "So..." Aya said, looking hard at the store employee. If I go like this.." he smashed the computer with his katana. "It will still work?" he asked, looking surprised. "It should." said the employee, smiling. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
HAHAHAHAHA! I HAVE POWER!" yelled Ken. Everyone turned suddenly to see him, a cell phone in each hand, poking Random People with the antennae. "Poke! Unpoke! Poke! Unpoke! Poke! Unpoke!" he yelled, obviously having the time of his life. "C'mon Ken, time to go! Stop poking the nice employee!" Yohji said, sounding like somebody's mother. "Aaaaa, shut up! You sound like somebody's mother!" Ken protested as Yohji and Omi dragged him out, Aya behind them, muttering. "Why oh why did we let him buy chocolate?"  
  
"I need this shirt!" Nagi said, walking out from the back of the store. He was holding up a black tee with white letters that read 'one by one, the penguins steal my sanity.' "What in the bloody nine hells is that supposed to mean?" Crawford said, annoyed yet again (he gets annoyed A LOT) "Well, it's true." Nagi stated, then went on to browse another rack. Meanwhile, Schu was in the process of trying on a pair of pants, and Farfarello was buying a shirt that said 'Shut up, brain. Or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip.' After buying the shirts and pants and comics and patches and all the other stuff they felt like buying, Schwarz turned and walked out of Hot Topic, looking slightly more likely to blend in with the crowd of mall goonies.7 "Alright! They have a arcade!" yelled Nagi, and ran for it before anyone could stop him.   
  
"You know, we really should get something to eat." Yohji said, holding his stomach. "Alright, alright already." mumbled Aya. "Where do you want to go?" Everyone looked around. After five hours of debating and arguing, they were all really, really hungry and finally all agreed to eat at Surf n' Turf. "They have the BEST French fries here." Omi said, shoveling them into his mouth at an alarming rate. Ken, looking disgusted, took his straw out of his drink and flicked it at Omi. "Hey!" Omi yelped. He sulked for a moment, then retaliated with a French fry, carefully aimed to land in Ken's ear. "AAAAGGHH!" He screamed. "I'M DEAF!" He ran around the table a few times, hands clamped onto the side of his head, until he tripped and smashed into the bench as the French fry fell to the floor. This caused everyone else to twitch nervously, and then start laughing, including Aya, which caused everyone else at the table to scream and run away because it was a sure sign of the arrival of the apocalypse.   
  
Back at the arcade, Farfarello and Schu were playing air hockey. The score was 5 to 6, Schuldich was winning. He hit the puck so hard that it flew off the table and hit a Random Kid who was playing a Random Game and bounced of the back of his head. Farfarello caught it deftly, and sent it shooting back into his opponent's goal, evening the score. Nagi was playing Unreal Tournament against Crawford, who was sorely losing, due to the fact that if he got close to winning, Nagi would direct a drop of cherry slurpee on the back of his neck with his mind. "Ha! I win!" Nagi exclaimed triumphantly to a sulking Crawford. Nagi noticed a Short, Blue-Haired Guy skulking in the corner. "Hey…." he said slyly, a small smile on his innocent face. "I bet I can beat you ." "Wanna bet?" the Short, Blue-Haired Guy retorted, a smirk of confidence playing on his lips. Nagi snorted for a second at the Short, Blue-Haired Guy's stupidity, then turned to him and said simply, "Yeah." Across the arcade, Schu was doing his I-won-I-won-I-won-I-won-I-won dance, having won the air hockey game, and Farfarello was massacring the Random Kid. Nagi, meanwhile had beaten the Short, Blue-Haired Guy and was triumphantly pouring a cherry slurpee ( he has an endless supply of cherry slurpees) down the back of his shirt, while the Short, Blue-Haired Guy was shrieking from the cold. "MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING! JUST MAKE IT STOP!" he yelled. "Anything?" said Nagi, smiling evilly.  
  
Aya had finally stopped laughing and had assured everyone that the apocalypse wasn't there yet. Weiss then continued down the mall. "We should go get ice cream. I like ice cream. Ice cream is great. Can we go get ice cream?" Omi nagged, tugging at Aya's sleeve again. Aya turned to him. "Omi, shut up." Omi shrank back from his leader's icy glare. Little did the others know that the reason Aya didn't want to go get ice cream was his lack of ice cream eating skills.8 They walked on. And on. And on. Soon, they got tired of walking on and looked around for a bench. "BENCH! MY BENCH!" Ken, having spotted one, was screaming at a man who was about to sit down. Gratefully, they all sat. Ken was looking around, his major sugar high having not run out yet, twitching nervously and hurling himself violently at anyone who walked too close to his bench. Aya was busy wondering if they gave ice-cream-eating classes anywhere. "BLOOGH!!! I won't forget you! I do mighty kung-fu kick for you!"9 screamed Ken at the last person who had walked by. Omi was spinning around in circles. "We should walk…" Yohji suggested, bored. "Well that's a GREAT idea, dammit!" Ken yelled as he stood up, his sugar high still not weakening. In order to shut him up, Weiss began walking (again).  
  
"I still can't believe that Short, Blue-Haired Guy agreed to do this.." Schu began, but trailed off, disgusted. Nagi was trotting ahead of him, the Short, Blue-Haired Guy running behind banging two coconut halves (which he had in his pocket) together. "Shut up! This is awesome." Nagi answered. "Come along, Patsy." The Short, Blue-Haired Guy obeyed, trotting behind Nagi. Crawford was annoyed by this. Schwarz headed into the nearest store, which was Borders. "This rug is really ugly." Schu commented, as Farfarello ran off to maul the person at the Café cash register. "It's really bad." Schuldich continued. "This is hotel-rug bad." Someone nearby burst suddenly into a fit of hysterical laughter. "LOOK! AN EXIT!" Crawford yelled ecstatically, running toward the neon exit sign.  
  
  
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1Ever notice how he doesn't really keep his katana anywhere? It just…kind of…appears?!  
2 The amazing Silent gun: no one ever notices the abrupt death of its victims….  
3 He doesn't talk much in this fic, does he?  
4 I LOVE THIS STORE!  
5 JTHM© belongs to Jhonen Vasquez, who is a genius.  
6 Don't ask me why they're looking for these bands, I have no idea.  
7 Eeeeeee! Don't let the mall goonies get me!!!!  
8 When It gave him ice cream, he just kinda stared……..  
9 Happy Noodle Boy©?belongs to Jhonen Vasquez  
  
  
Okay….that's the second chapter. Hopefully, I will not be pelted by acornic cheese bricks and disdainfully laughing fruit-milk containers. Lemmings and crazed fangirls for Alli in the next chapter! Woo! GO PACKERS! 


End file.
